LOST
by Fan of Fan Fic
Summary: Before you read this, I must warn you that I may have gone crazy while writing episode 1! But I hope you'll read this, please read and review.
1. Episode one: The Pilot and the coconuts!

Disclaimer: Don't worry, I don't own them. Points to LOST characters.

LOST

Jack was sound asleep in his little bed of leaves, hugging his shoe to his chest, and sucking his thumb. Suddenly he felt licking on his face. He opened his eyes to see a dog licking him.

"Ahhhh!" screamed Jack.

"Ahhh!" screamed the dog, and quickly ran away.

"Ahhhh!" Jack screamed again, and then said "1...2...3...4...26...DAMN! I mean, 5!" He waited for a minute then "AHHHHH!" He ran for for his life, screaming at the top of his lungs. He suddenly emerged from the forest to see white sand, rolling water, a smoking fiery wreck of a plane, palm trees...he did a double take and screamed!

The plane had crashed! He was about to scream again when he noticed that every body else was screaming too. Suddenly he had to be the mature over acheiver that was suffering from a severe paper cut on his right pinky, and had to rescue every one!

He ran around the plane once.

"Help!" screamed somebody caught under a large peice of plane. Jack ran around ten more times before he noticed the person in need.

"I'll help you!" he said, getting onto his hands and knees. "You, you, you!" he shouted at random people. "Do this for me!" Then he got up and ran to the next person in need, a pregnant woman who was obviously having contractions.

"What's the matter?" he asked stupidly.

"Help, I'm having contractions!" she moaned. Jack winced, this wasn't his feild. Instead he grabbed another random person and commanded in long slow words, as if the guy was dumb"You...help...lady, take... her...away...from...plane." Then he ran away again. He ran about for a while before he saw a life gaurd preforming CPR on an unconcious woman. The woman was just taking a breath of air when he pushed the life guard aside.

"You're doing it wrong!" he said. "Trust me I'm a doctor!"

"But she was just..." But before the unfourtunate life gaurd could utter another word Jack tilted the woman's head back, causing her to fall unconcious again. "I know what I'm doing, now get me some pens!"

"Some what?"

"Pens! I'm going to stuff them down her throat, duh!"

"But-"

"Just go! There's no time!"

After tilting the woman's head around for a few moments, Jack finally got it right, and the woman spluttered to life. Before he could explain what was happening, he ran off.

Charlie was wandering aimlessly through the chaos. He thought that there might be some way to help other people but nothing came to mind.

"You!" shouted Jack, pointing at a confused, dim witted looking woman.

"Huh?" she asked.

"Do you know how to sew?" She shook her head. "Good, sew me up!" He pointed to his paper cut.

"What?" she questioned. This sounded dumb, even to her.

"Sew up my wound. You can do it, I know you can." Her eyes filled up with tears as she nodded and sat down. After two minutes the task was done.

"So..." said the woman. "What do you do?"

Jack looked delighted. Finally somebody had stopped being so selfish and asked about him! "Well, proffesionally I'm a doctor, but I'm also a pilot."

"Really." She was impressed.

"Yup, and I'm a rocket scientist, brain surgen, deep sea diver, cullinary chef (I studied in france), an oscar nominated actor/actress, as well as a singer and I'm currently writing my memoirs...volume one."

"How do you stay so calm?" she asked, amazed. He looked seriously at her.

"I count to five, 1...2...3...4...38-Damn! I always screw that part up!...It's umm..."

"9?" She asked helpfully.

"No...oh yeah! It's 5!"

"Wow, you sure are smart. So, do you have a plan to get us off of this island?"

"Well first we have to find the front of the plane."

Suddenly the woman jumped up and down. "Ooooh! I conveniantly forgot to tell anybody this, but I saw smoke ...over there!" she pointed at the forest.

"I'm gonna go find it." He said "Tommorow."

"Oooh! I'll come with you to slow you down a lot and make lots of noise!"

"But I don't even know your name!" he said,

"It's Kate."

"I'm Jack."

That night they all ate, except for the silly woman who was too busy painting her nails, when suddenly they heard a crashing noise.

"What was that?" asked Jack. Charlie suddenly stood up.

"The trees are talking!" he whispered "They're ents, hearders of the forest!"

Jack pushed him aside, "No it isn't you moron! It's...it's...well it's something, that's for sure!"

"Maybe it's a coconut!" suggested one.

"A coconut? Well where did it come from?" Asked Charlie.

"I dunno, I found it!"

"But Coconuts are tropical!"

"So?"

"So were in a temperate zone!"

"Well the swallow may fly south with the-"

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" Asked Jack, unable to resist getting in on an 'important' conversation.

"Maybe a bird carried it!" Said the life guard.

"How?"

"It could grip it by the husk!"

"It's not a matter of where it grips it," interrupted Kate "It's a matter of weight ratios. A six ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut!" Everybody stood in shocked silence. Kate had actually said something that made sense. Even she looked confused by her sudden out burst of intelligence.

"But an African swallow could." Said the life guard, after a minute or two of thinking.

"An African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, That's my point." Said Kate, and then flung her arms over her mouth. What was happening to her!?!

After much debating everybody agreed that it must've been a coconut, and went to bed.

The next day Jack and Kate announced to everybody that they were going to search for the front part of the plane.

"I'm going with you!" Announced Charlie "You'd have to tie me all up in a sack to stop me! Besides, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission...quest...thing!"

"Haha," said Jack patting charlie on the back. "People of intelligence, good one."

Charlie looked concerned. "No, you really do." He said sincerely. Jack ignored the insult and they all started off into the general direction of the plane...well, all except for Kate and Jack who took wrong turns as often as possible. So I guess it was Charlie that went in the general direction. Anyhow, after much walking, and much arguing over which way to go, they reached the front of the plane, which was surprisingly still intact. It was easy enough to climb up to the top where Jack said a radio would be. Easy that is, except for all of the dead bodies they had to crawl over, and the awful smell, AND the fact that they had to CLIMB to the top.

Jack wiped away a tear as he gazed down at the dead pilot. "So young." He said "Why God? WHY?!?" Suddenly the pilot opened his eyes, causing Jack to jump with terror and roll all the way down to the bottom of the tilted plane. "Holy (bleep)! He's alive. It's a miracle! A MIRACLE!" He cried, flinging up his arms. Kate also flung up her arms (simply because she saw Jack do it) and also rolled to the bottom with an "Oof!"

Charlie rolled his eyes and decided to take the opportunity to sneak into the bathroom where he may or may not have hidden something the crashed the plane.

"Uf...ah...whew! We made it." Said Jack as they got to the top of the plane.

"Help..." groaned the pilot.

"There there." Said Jack. "Now tell us where the radio is."

"Water...please, I need water." Gasped the pilot.

"Ah ha!" said Jack. "Here's the little sucker. Well bye." He said as he started to step over the bodies. Suddenly there was a loud crashing noise, and another, and another.

"NOOO!" screamed Kate "The coconuts are attacking! Where's charlie!?!"

Charlie suddenly popped out of the bathroom and gasped "What the-!?!" as the pilot was picked up by something that... eerily looked like a coconut, and was whisked away from them.

"Come on!" said Jack "Let's get out of here." They all slid down the human bodies, and started running. Charlie got caught on a tree root, and couldn't get his foot away.

"Help me!" he cried. Kate thought about helping but decided that saving herself was more important then saving one of the hobbits that saved middle earth. Jack however decided that this would be a great time to reveal his amazing search and rescue talents.

"Help me! My foot's stuck!" cried Charlie. Jack flung himself down onto his belly, working furiously at the shoe laces, cursing when he found that they were double knotted.

"Okay, the bunny hops out of the bunny hole circles around and..."

"Hurry!" said Charlie frantically.

"Hold still!" commanded Jack. "I'm trying to concentrate. This is a very difficult knot."

"Oh, get out of the way!" shouted Charlie, pushing Jack away and undoing the knot. Once he was free they began to run, but the coconut had caught up.

Meanwhile Kate was panicking. Jack had gone back heroicly to save what's his name, and the coconuts could have caught up by now.

"Okay..." she said, taking a deep breath. "Count to 5! 67...89...13...46...5!" she said, and took off. She found Charlie in a clearing.

"Where's Jack?" she whined. "I was hoping that the coconut would've taken you instead!"

Charlie glared at her. "I don't know where he went. He's probably hiding in a bush or something...bloody coward."

"Nooo!" wailed Kate. "What if they got him!?! I couldn't live with myself if they have. I loved him- oooh! Something shiny!" she said, staring at a...uh...shiny thing. She picked it up. "Hey this looks just like that shiny thing that the pilot was wearing only...look!" She pointed at the Pilot's reflection in the water. Charlie looked up to see the Pilot hovering in the branches over head, he was covered in blood.

"How did the pilot get in the water?" asked Kate, still staring at the puddle. "Look! Jack's there too, hi Jack!" she waved at the reflection. Jack had come stumbling out of a bush and was shaking from head to toe.

"Jack?" asked Charlie urgently. "Did you see it? That thing?"

"Yes..." muttered Jack, "It was-"

"JACK!" cried Kate finally figuing out where he was. 

"KATE!" he replied, and they both ran into each others out stretched arms. Awe...

LOST

(A/N: Okay, my apologies to all of the LOST fans, 1, for doing a spoof off of this incredibly great show. 2. for making Kate such an air head don't worry, I plan on turning her into a criminal genius . 3, for making Jack an air head...well actually, I'm not so sorry about that. 4, for turning the monsters into coconuts, 5....well, I guess I'm sorry for everything I put in this fic. But I thought it was really funny. Please review, flamers are welcome.)


	2. Episode two: Furry WHITE coconuts!

**Disclaimer: I don't own em!!! Not LOST, Monty Python, or LOTR.**

Hello LOST fans! I'm so happy that you guys liked my spoof. Sorry it took so long to write, but as one reviewer mentioned, I needed a little inspiration. I my opinion, chapter 2 isn't quite as funny, but maybe you feel differently. Please read and review anyhow.

LOST

"So..." Said Charlie in a daze. "Have you found anything yet?"

"No!" said Jack irritably.

"I don't think it's work'n." Said Charlie. He was eating something from a tiny bag.

"What were you doing in the bathroom anyhow?" Asked Kate.

"Er..." Said Charlie, hurriedly putting the bag in his pocket. "Umm, I....well...um, it's obvious isn't it? I was puking."

"Oh..." Kate said in a disappointed tone. "I was hoping you had found something to eat. I'm starving. How far is camp?"

"You're not starving." Said Jack. "And this thing isn't working!" He threw the radio to the ground and was about stomp on it when he noticed that both Charlie and Kate had left. (A/N Had they? I've only seen this episode once, so I'm not sure.) He sighed and took the radio, stowing it into his pocket. He could hear people, so the beach wasn't far away. Pushing through the rest of the foliage he saw the white sand. There were women sun bathing, people playing volleyball, live music and barbecue.

"Yay!" he said, forgetting about the radio and running off to eat.

Mean while, Michael was running back and forth searching for his son.

"Excuse me!" he said, running up to the Korean couple. "Excuse me, have you seen my son?!?"

The women, eager to help, tried to tell him that he'd gone off in search of his dog. The man hurriedly backed away. "Sorry!" he said "Sorry, I didn't mean to...uh...bye then!" He then ran off, leaving the woman standing there. She blinked and thought "Silly Americans, always in a hurry."

The man's son was at that moment sneaking through the forest. He knew that there was something awful in the forest, something probably ready to eat him, something that would probably gut him and eat out his eyes. But this was important! He just had to find those hand cuffs! Suddenly he saw something shiny and rushed over to it. The hand cuffs!

"Son! What the hell are you doing out here!?!" came a voice. The boy turned to see his father rushing towards him.

"Er...um..." He began, trying to stuff the handcuffs into his pocket.

"Son! You know that there's something awful in this forest that wants to gut you, poke out your eyes and eat you! What's that?" He asked, pointing to the handcuffs.

"I dunno." Said the boy. "Handcuffs I guess. I just found them."

His father gasped "These must belong to that pessimistic chain smoker Jerk, who looks suspiciously like a criminal!" Said his father, a look of disgust on his face. "Come on son, let's get outta here." They left, and all of a sudden the dog (Who was still screaming...) rushed into the area where his owners had been two seconds before.

"Funny," he said to himself. "I thought I heard voices over here, then he ran away again.

(Skip to scene where everybody's mad at the pessimistic chain smoker jerk.)

"Smoke! Smoke! Smoke..."chanted a large group of people, surrounding somebody who was furiously puffing away at a cigarette.

"You!" Shouted the boy's Father, pushing through the crowd, and dangling the handcuffs in front of the man. "I wanna talk to you!" he said, drawing nearer.

"Dude." Said the man, holding up a hand to try and stop him. "I'm kinda busy here. Set up an appointment with my agent...over there." He pointed to Claire, who was wearing sunglasses, was smoking, and was talking furiously into a cell phone (that didn't work.).

"Oh, er, my apologies sir." Said the boy's father, pulling out his own useless cell phone, as he entered a number. He then held it up to his ear.

"Hello?" asked Claire.

"Oh, hi." Said the Father, giving Sawyer (the pessimistic chain smoking jerk) the thumbs up to show that it had worked. (wondering how they could hear each other? They were standing about three feet apart.) "Yeah, um, I want to set up an appointment to talk to...hey, what's your name?"

The smoker said "Sawyer." and continued to puff away.

"...To talk to Sawyer." He said.

"All right sir, may I please have your phone number, address, and date of birth?"

"Oh sure." Said the boy's father. After giving it to her, he turned back to Sawyer.

"Okay, I've made an appointment for..." he looked at his watch. "Now."

The man nodded.

"Are these yours!?!" he asked accusingly.

"Nope." Said Sawyer

"Oh, then sorry." Said Michael, turning to leave when...

"WHAT'S GOING ON!?!" yelled Jack, running into the crowd, and restraining the jerk and the boy's father. His mouth was covered with what looked like BBQ sauce, and his shirt was also dripping with the stuff.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!..." chanted the rest.

"Er, nothing Jack, I was just wondering if these belonged to him." He said. He held up the Handcuffs. Jack first looked at the Handcuffs, and then at Sawyer.

"They do!" he shouted. He pointed his finger at Sawyer. "Well? Aren't you going to show him what happens to criminals on this island!?!" The eager crowd awaited the fight to break loose.

"Oh." Said Michael. "Well in that case..." he lunged forward and grabbed Sawyer, punching him repeatedly. Sawyer tried to react, but he was torn between fighting, or lighting another smoke. In the end he decided to light up, which cost him a battered eye. Sayid gasped and jumped into the ring trying to stop the fighting, but Sawyer and Michael just started to beat him up.

"NOOO!" came a voice. Michael turned to see Jack running to them. "Why are you and Sawyer fighting?! "He rushed up and single handedly pushed all three men apart.

"But you said-"began Michael.

"I didn't say anything." Jack said, glaring at Sayid, whom he assumed had started the fight. Sayid glared back. How had he gotten stuck on an Island full of morons!?!

"What did I miss?" Jack, Michael, Sawyer, and Sayid all turned to see Kate standing there. For some reason she was now wearing black leather, big black boots, a gun holster, and a black mask that didn't mask who she was very well.

"Nothing..." mumbled all four of them guiltily.

"Except," added Michael "He's a criminal. We found these!" he held up the handcuffs with one hand, and his other pointed out Sawyer.

"Oh." Said Kate. "I was just bathing in the ocean. Almost naked too, because that's what woman do when they're lost on an island, and there's something important going on. Jack." She said, changing the subject. "Did you give Sayid the radio yet? He's the techie..."

Jack's mouth fell open. Give it...to the nasty peacemaker!?! This was outrageous. "No!" he whined. "I can do it! I can do everything. I'm the techie!"

"No Jack." Kate said firmly. "Hand it over or else." She said, running a finger across her neck. Jack gulped, and handed it over. Sayid took it, satisfied that he'd made Jack angry, and left to sit next to Hurly.

Jack glared at Kate, his lower lip sticking out, and his eyes filling with tears. "Your unfair!" he yelled before stomping off to a man who he was supposed to be mending.

Kate smiled, and then noticed that the crowd was still standing there in shocked silence. She glared at them and the crowd quickly inched away, muttering how they really should be scrubbing the plane, and other pointless jobs.

Jack leaned over his patient, carefully studying the wound (which was still bleeding profusely due to Jack's "talent" for curing people.)

"Stupid Kate..." he muttered. "Stupid Sayid, stupid Michael, stupid-"

"Where am I?" groaned the man. Jack jumped.

"You're supposed to be dead!" he said accusingly.

"Where is she...where...what...what are you doing?" he asked.

"Erm..." began Jack, for he was now holding a large brick in a throwing position, directed at the man's head. "You shouldn't be awake! You'll die of shock!"

"Noooo-bump"

Jack looked down at the now unconscious Marshal, and continued working.

Five minutes later (after Jack had finally given up trying to be a doctor, and had drawn pictures all over the marshal's face) Kate walked up to him.

"Hello Jack." She said, looking disapprovingly at the goatee and swear words that Jack had doodled on the man's face. Jack started and jumped to his feet, hiding the pen in the sand.

"Oh, it's you!" he said. "I'm busy." And he quickly sat down, hoping that Kate would leave feeling guilty. Instead...

"Me and a few friends are going back into the forest." She said plainly. Jack pretended that he didn't care and continued to do...um...nothing.

"Yup, just me...and Sayid, Sawyer, Boone, Charlie and Shannon."

"WHAT!?!" Jack again leapt to his feet. "Without me!?!"

"Yeah." She shrugged. "Jack, is that guy gonna be okay? You just stepped on his face."

"You're...what...why....nevermind! See if I care! You go on your little hike in the woods. "

"Fine, I will!" she said.

"Fine, you do that!" With that, Kate turned and left. As soon as there was a good amount of distance between the two, Jack stuck out his tongue and started talking to himself again. "Stupid Kate..."

Charlie swayed back and forth as he followed the others down the trail, wondering how the trail got there in the first place.

"Kate?" He asked, determined not to sound too drugged out. "Where are we?" She ignored him.

"What is this place? Who are you? What's your name? Who am I? Hey! I'm Charlie! Kate? Kate? Kate? Kate? Kat-"

"What!?!" Kate asked, feeling thoroughly annoyed with him.

"I'M CHARLIE!!!" he boomed back.

"Be quiet!" she snapped. "We have to be careful out here, if the coconuts find us, then we're dead!"

"Oh..." said Charlie. "Right, the coconuts." Personally he thought that Kate was the nut. Who'd ever heard of killer coconuts???

_Rustle, rustle...._

"What was that?" asked Charlie.

_Rustle, rustle...._

Suddenly a giant coconut with white fur came running towards them.

"Run!" shouted Sayid. Kate, Sayid, Charlie, Boone, and Shannon took off.

"Wait!" shouted Kate. "Where's Sawyer?"

"Who like cares!?!" retorted Shannon.

"Calm yourselves!" said Boone, trying his best to sound just like Jack (And failing). He then slapped Shannon across her face.

"You Jerk!" she squealed. "What do you know about how I feel!?!"

"I never said anything about how you feel, but I suspect that your heart is about as empty as your head." Shannon ran forward and tried flimsily to kick her brother. He punched her. She bit him. He smeared her makeup.

_**BANG!**_

The siblings stopped as they heard the gunshot.

"It wasn't me!" said Shannon. Sayid rolled his eyes. Idiots, all of them. Even Charlie wasn't sane enough to know what was going on right now.

"Follow me." Said Kate, half dragging the others as they tried to get back to where Sawyer had been.

He was standing on the trail (How did the trail get there!?!) and was staring at a-

COMMERCIAL BREAK 

Pointless advertising, interrupting valuable TV time. You can count on it, whenever something exciting is about to happen.

Shannon squealed with delight. "It's a puppy!" she cried, and ran up to hug the furry beast, which was still growling and thrashing about. In one swift movement it ate Shannon and there was much rejoicing. Hooray!!!

Sawyer was holding a gun.

"Hey!" shouted Kate, "That's mine!" she grabbed the gun." Everybody looked at her. "I mean..." She started. "It's his! Arrest him! But I'll keep the gun so that he doesn't do any more damage. Agreed?"

Surprisingly everybody believed her story.

"Fine with me." Said Boone, not really noticing because he was still rejoicing over the killing of his sister.

"Me too," said Charlie. He was feeling a bit distracted. The effects of those coffee grounds he'd smuggled on to the plane, were starting to wear off.

Sayid shrugged. He was still staring at the polar coconut.

Sawyer gave a weird creepy smile (Reminiscent of a certain Texan president).

Kate stuffed the gun into the gun holster by her side, and once again they walked....and walked....and walked.....

"Let's stop here and see if the radio works!" said Sayid. They weren't at the top of the mountain yet, but nobody really felt like climbing that far.

The radio buzzed to life, and everybody heard a strange voice.

"This is AT&T calling...." It said. "We'd like to know if you're interested in our wireless plan...."

"What does it say?" asked Sayid dramatically. "Does anybody here speak French?"

"Yes!" said Boone. "Er...my sister did."

"No she didn't!" Snapped Sawyer. "Nobody speaks French here! Nobody's com'n to get us! We're gonna be stuck on this island forever..."

"...AT&T respects your privacy..."

"...Were all gonna die out here!..."

"I think I remember some French..."

"Really...I don't own a gun you guys!"

"...AT&T hopes that you will give them lots and lots of your money...."

Boone tried to think about what Jack would do.

"...AT&T respects that you are not always able to speak with us, but we hope that you will STILL give us your hard earned cash..."

"...That radio's broken, it doesn't work, you're stupid..."

"I DON'T OWN A GUN!"

"I'm CHARLIE!"

"Does anybody speak Spanish or French, or a mix of the two!?!"

"I do!" said Boone.

"No you don't!" said Sawyer.

"I said I'm CHARLIE!!!"

"BE QUIET!!!!!" Sayid screamed. Everybody went silent. "Let Boone translate." He gave Boone the radio.

"Umm...er...are you serious man?"

"He can't even speak French or Spanish!" Groaned Sawyer, dramatically falling to his knees.

"Yes he can! Boone, concentrate." Said Sayid.

"Er...um..." He made something up. "Uh, we are stuck on the island...everybody is dead...please rescue us...erm." They looked like they were expecting more. "We're stuck on an island...everybody else is dead..."

"It's repeating!" stated Sayid. "That means it's been playing for over...sixteen years!!!"

O.o

"Where did you get that calculation Sayid?" asked Charlie.

"Don't question a genius..." Replied Sayid Loftily.

"Works for me." Said Boone.

"Kate...?" Asked Charlie. "Where are we?"

LOST 


	3. Season TWO

**Hello LOST fans. You may remember me from a LONG time ago. I sort of spoofed your favorite show... yeah... that was me... Hey! Put down that pitch fork! It was all done with love after all. Um... I sort of ignored the parody for a while, unable to come up with anything funny for the remainder of the season. But... well...**

**One Year Later:I was watching the first episode of the new season of LOST when a thought came to me. It was _Didn't I do a parody of this show last year? _Yes! I had! People had hated it... a few had sort of liked it! Well, I thought and thought and then decided _Hey! I want to continue it... only, I don't want to do all the episodes in between. _So now, fellow LOST fan, I introduceyou to LOST! Chapter THREE!**

LOST

Desmond turned some groovy music on and began to dance, singing along as he did so. "Make your own kind of smoothie, EAT your own kind of FOOD!" He wailed, getting the lyrics all wrong, despite the fact that he'd been listening to the song about five times a day for the last sixteen years. He made his speacialty smoothie (eggs, peanut butter and... kiwis?) and then did two extremely difficult sit ups.

"Whew! What a work out!" he said, mopping his forehead with his hand. He then went to look through his amazingly high tech telescope thingy. The music stopped. He ignored the gigantic BOOM that had caused it to stop and looked incredulously at the record player as if it were simply doing this out of spite.

"EAT your own kind of food- what the...Damn it!" Desmond hit the record player hard. When it didn't work again he decided he'd deal with it later. "I'll deal with you later, Wilson!" He returned his attention to his amazingly high tech gadget and gasped. There were people staring down into HIS hatch!

"4,8,15,16,23,42-" Hurley rocked himself back and forth, trying to calm down.

"No," corrected Kate, trying to act superior to Hurley. "It's 4,8,15,16,23, and 5!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Hurley gave her an odd look.

"Look, I know its hard to remember, but that's how you count to five!" she said proudly, and added "Jack taught me."

"Dude!" Hurley turned to Locke, mostly because he was looking for an excuse to not talk to Kate. "Why did you blow it up?"

Locke smiled. "I'm a pyromaniac." he said.

Hurley didn't pursue the subject any further.

"I'm go'in down!" Said Locke.

"No!" Jack retorted, "I've decided to be a real pain in the ass for the rest of the season, so listen up! I don't care how much food, medicine, clean clothes or toothpaste there is down there! Its dark and scary, and those two things don't mix well."

"Jack?" asked Kate, raising an eyebrow. "Are you afraid of the dark?"

"Uh... no..." Jack said sheepishly. "Its just...uh...um... I'm going back to camp. Locke, you're coming with me!"

"What about us?" asked Kate, standing next to Hurley, looking hurt.

"Well you two go without saying. You're my groupies."

"Yay!" Kate squealed, with delight, and handed Hurley a button that said 'I Heart Jack'

-----

"Dog!" called Shannon, back at the caves. "Dog, where are you?" She was running around frantically, and kept on running into the cave walls by accident. "Oof!" she said as she bumped into Sayid.

"Uh... what are you doing?" Sayid asked, glaring at her.

"LOOKING FOR THE STUPID DOG!" She yelled at him.

"Right... well, could you stop being so loud? We're sort of trying to keep a low profile here if you don't remember."

"BUT THE DOG!" She cried, even louder. "I HAVE TO FIND THE DOG! IF I DON'T, I'LL DIE!" She fell melodramatically into Sayid's arms, weeping.

"Er..." Sayid wasn't quite sure what to do so he gave her back a light pat. This only made her cry louder. "Don't cry." He told her. "Really, I wasn't joking about the low profile thing-" She was now wailing so loud that everybody in the cave had turned to stare at her. "Uh, please, stop crying..."

Without warning Shannon ran into the jungle, screaming about how nobody understood her pain. Everyone looked at Sayid expectantly.

"What?" he asked,

"If it were me..." Charlie spoke up. "I'd run after her like a maniac and tell her I'd take care of her."

"Charlie, that's stupid." replied Sayid. "Its bad enough that she's running around out there, if there's two of us then we'll only attract more attention."

"I'll do it." Said Steve...or Scott?

"No!" said Sayid. "That's a worse idea than Charlie's. You're an expendable character. If you go out there you're sure to die."

"Gee, Thanks man!" Said Steve...or Scott sounding hurt.

"Oh for heaven's sake!" Claire got up. "She can't have gone that far! I'll go get her myself." She handed Turnip Head to Charlie, and stood up.

"No Claire!" Charlie jumped to his feet, tossing Turnip head to a random castaway, absent mindedly. "I told you I'd take care of you. I'll do it."

"But Charlie." Claire groaned. "You haven't even let me take a walk in FIVE days!"

"What about the trip to the caves this morning?" asked Charlie.

"You insisted on carrying me."

"Oh yeah... well, I'll at least go with you. I want to look after you and Turnip Head, Its my duty."

"Oh fine." Claire sighed heavily. "We'll just take the baby with us. Where is he?"

Charlie looked down at his arms and then paled. "Uh..." He craned his neck to look over the crowd of people. When he didn't see or hear Baby Aaron he looked at Claire. "Now... don't get mad..." he started.

---

Meanwhile Sayid had gotten tired of the arguement and had slipped away to find Shannon. It wasn't hard, since she was still wailing like a tornado siren.

"Shannon!" He was amazed to see that she was still running. When he finally caught up to her, he grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. "Shannon. When was the last time you ate or slept?"

She stopped wailing to answer him. "I slept last night, and I haven't eaten anything since the age of eight...and a half." She wiped her nose on the back of her hand.

"...Right... go back to the caves and get some rest. The dog will show up sooner or later. You're exausted."

"No I'm not." replied Shannon. This was true. For someone who spent most of her time crying and running, she seemed to have an endless supply of energy.

"Yes," Retorted Sayid. "You are!"

"No I'm not..." She looked puzzled.

"Shannon, I'm a genius. If I say you're exausted, then you're exausted."

"But the dog-"

"WOOF!" Vincent was sitting in a clearing, wagging his tail and watching them with amusement.

"There he is!" Said Sayid, obviously. "Look, the writers want more action and suspense in this scene, so instead of simply calling for the dog like most people would do, I'm going to circle around him in a predatory way that's sure to make him feel safe and welcome." Sayid bounded into the trees... and the dog freaked.

"AHHH!" Vincent screamed, and ran away.

"NOOO!" Shannon took three steps and landed flat on her face. (Teehee!) Only, instead of getting up like she did in the show, she simply lay there... in a heap... not breathing. Well, this shouldn't be surprising, she was killed off in the last chapter after all. I'm amazed she was still able to run. If she HAD been alive, however, she would have seen a japanese kid standing in front of her.

"Meow!" He said, and then disappeared.

---

Jack, Locke, Kate and Hurley had just returned to the caves.

"Speech time," murmured Jack, slicking back his hair, and hauling himself up on to a big boulder.

Jack cleared his throat. "Hey people!" he said, 'eloquently.' "Locke found a hatch. We're going down in the morning." he took a bow. Just about everybody had missed the speech, and nobody clapped.

"Well that went well." He said, climbing down the boulder to stand next to Kate. "I was expecting people to question my sanity or something."

"We're all mad here..." Locke said mysteriously. He took out a lighter and lit it a few times just to freak out the people standing around him. Hurley wisely took a step back.

"...But Claire! It takes a village to raise a child!" Charlie was saying, in the background.

"Handing a baby to a complete stranger HARDLY qualifies!" Said Claire, "And just after you'd rescued him too!" She was searching the caves, up and down, asking everyone she saw if they'd seen Aaron.

"It couldn't have been a complete stranger..." said Charlie. "We must have met them at least once."

"That's not the point!" snapped Claire. "Kate!" she called, and left Charlie standing there as she rushed off.

---

"What now?" asked Kate, looking warily at Claire as she approached. "Did you lose your baby again?" she asked in a cruel mocking voice.

"Actually..." said Claire, looking miffed. "Charlie did! And you don't have to be rude, in fact, I thought you were supposed to be a sympathetic character. I lost a baby for heaven's sake!"

Kate shrugged. "I'd help but I've got a hatch to risk my life in and I don't have a lot of time. Locke's probably already there." She pushed past Claire so that she could say something to Jack. "Jack, I'm leaving to risk my life. If you stop being such a jerk and have a few helpful memories about being a better and less pesimistic person, then maybe you can come and rescue me when I mess everything up."

"Never!" Jack cried defiantly, just because he felt like being defiant.

---

Locke had found a giant vine and somehow managed to cut it down, strip it of all stray leaves, create some sort of harness with his bare hands, and wrap it around a handful of trees before Kate arrived... Hey. The guy's got talent.

"Why aren't you down there being eaten by monsters yet?" Asked Kate, somewhat accusingly.

"I was waiting for you to do it instead." Locke replied.

Kate shrugged. "Okay, cool." and jumped into the hatch... this didn't go so well, seeing as how she'd forgotten about the hatch being a couple hundred feet deep and hadn't bothered to put on the harness, but somehow, due to her super kate powers, she survived.

"Kate... are you alright?" asked Locke, though he didn't sound too terribly hopeful. When she didn't reply (probably because she was dead, captured or too frightened to say anything), he decided he'd go down too... only he used the vine.

---

"Damn it!" Jack said, back at the caves, throwing a bandaid at somebody he'd been trying to mend. "I can't do this right now! I'm way too distracted with my dramatic memories. I need to do something constructive!" He stood up quickly, sending all the tool's he'd been using, flying on to the ground.

"But... I thought you said I was bleeding internally and needed medical care." said the man he'd been 'curing'. "... and that I'd die without immediate assistance..."

"Nevermind that!" said Jack, rolling his eyes. "kate might need my help, and I can't stand other people being the hero instead of me!"

"But I feel so weak..." The man said wearily. "...not...going...to...make it-" He slumped over. Jack didn't notice, as he had already run into the jungle, searching for someone who needed saving.

----

Jack reached the hatch and looked down it. "Ha!" He said. "No problem! Along with being a doctor, a rocket scientist, brain surgen, deep sea diver, cullinary chef , an oscar nominated actor/actress, and writer I am also an avid Hatch... er climber downer..." So he wisely grabbed hold of the vine that Kate and Locke had used, and jumped into the hatch.

"KATE!" He called, ever the subtle one on the island. "KATE! WHERE ARE YOU?" Everything was dark as he descended. When he reached the bottom of the hole, he saw that there was a long hallway, at the end of which was a light! He, ofcourse, followed the light... and then...

"MAKE YOU'RE OWN KIND OF MUSIC! SING YOUR OWN KIND OF SONG..." There was music blaring out of a speaker nearby. Jack screamed like a little girl, and was about to turn and run, when he heard a gun shot. It ricochetted off of the wall and Jack just nearly missed being shot. (Readers groan disappointedly)

"Jack," Locke was suddenly standing in front of him, a gun pressed to the back of his head. "Uh... it might have been a bad idea coming down here after all..."

"Tell him to go away." Said the voice of whoever was holding the gun to Locke's head.

"Er... Go away, Jack." Repeated Locke.

"No." Replied Jack, stubbornly. "In case you don't remember, John, I'm the best person on the island, so I can do whatever I want to."

"Tell him to go away, or I'll start playing Abba..." Whispered the voice.

"Uh..." Locke said. "Go away or...sorry, what was you're name again?"

"Desmond!" Hissed the voice. "Tell him, TELL HIM!" He said frantically.

"Go away or Desmond will start playing Abba." Said Locke.

"Are you threatening me, Locke?" Asked Jack, taking no notice of the person who was holding the gun. "Well it isn't going to work. I'm a doctor, damn it!"

"Tell him he's an idiot." said Desmond, sniggering as he did so.

"You're an idiot."

"Hey!" Jack said, offended. "That was mean! Why are you... wait a minute..." He said, catching on. "Someone else is telling you to say this stuff!"

"Tell him he's a genius..." hissed Desmond. "But say it in a sarcastic way with a hint of amusement." Locke did as he was told.

"You're a genius, jack. A true genius."

"Wait, are you being sincere or sarcastic?" Asked Jack, scratching his head.

"Sarcastic."

"Grr... Tell 'Desmond' he's a jerk!"

"You're a Jerk." Locke told Desmond.

"Tell Jack he's a Loser..." desmond shot back.

"Tell Desmond he stinks so bad I can smell him from here!" Jack said, angrily.

"Tell Jack his mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberries!"

" How dare you!" Gasped Jack. "Tell Desmond to go to Hell!"

"Tell Jack to go to Hell!"

"Uff!" Kate had just fallen out of the wall.

"AHHH!" screamed Jack and hid behind Desmond "shoot it shoot it!"

LOST

**Was it good? Was it bad? What ever you think, REVIEW! ...and, uh... don't try to track me down and kill me... hehe...**

**One Last note: I wish I could make a list thanking all of the reviewers... but I can't. Well, I could... but as my profile says I'm really REALLY lazy. So here's one BIG thank you to all of you! _THANK YOU! _**


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